Foot worship

I got my feet worshiped by my little pet last night. He cooked me dinner, bathed my feet carefully in hot water, and then as a reward I let him worship. It turns out this is a particular strength for him -- it was one of the best foot-worshiping sessions I've ever had. I was close to orgasm by the end of it, seriously. He'll be doing that a lot more often.

And now back to reality - work. Although I'm working towards being 'my own boss' someday, I'm still somewhat at the mercy of academic forces above me. My current higher-up is a woman, a woman who really does not know how to wield power effectively and fairly. She's too critical at the wrong moments and she leaves the running of the office solely in my hands, but fails to appreciate just how often I protect her back for her. You should never have someone do your job for you, and then get snippy with them about the work they're doing. It is a dangerous combination.

I had a meeting with a mentor of mine yesterday, though, and he reminded me that I work only for myself, for the pleasure of financing my artistic work. Remembering that makes it easier to let the little stupid things go. I have a lot in the works, and if I just keep focused on that, I should move forward fairly steadily over the next two years. This job will eventually be a distant memory.

Meanwhile, I'll be taking my little pet on his little pink leash to a play party this weekend, and that should be fun. I love the happy look he gets on his face when I snap that leash on.

Unbelievable

So, I just had the fastest failed IM-chat with a submissive boy yet on record. It took him days to finally log on and IM me, which should have been a sign he didn't take this seriously.

He finally gets around to it, though, and I agree to talk to him. Within a few minutes, we're having what I consider to be a polite, get-to-know-you conversation. This is not, in my opinion, a moment when you start telling me intimate sexual details just yet. And that's because A) I haven't asked you for them, and B) dude, I'm not here to be your wank-off material. (Can you already see where this is going?) Anyway, he brings up my being from the South first and foremost, and makes a crack about me knowing a thing or two about slavery because of that.

Oh no, you didn't.

Ok, dude, the suffering and enslavement of many unwilling people for hundreds of years and the fun, consensual, and safe enslavement of willing boys are NOT the same thing. One has a particularly painful cultural legacy for millions of people, and the other is something many people enjoy, and to conflate them is not particularly a good way to kick off a conversation with a stranger you are hopefully trying to impress.

Anyway, I tried to be light and polite in my redirection of the conversation to better topics.

We start talking about how he hasn't been in the lifestyle for awhile. I am already getting a bad vibe -- this guy sounds like a bit of a wannabe -- but I try and work with it. I ask him what he did in the meantime. His response: something about working/dating and the line "And masturbating to the idea of being someone's property." Then an "Oops!" and a smiley-face-with-cheeky-tongue.

Dude, fuck off. You are so obviously trying to chat up a Domme for your own personal kicks. You have no interest in me, or getting to know me, or respecting me. I called him out -- I basically told him "Let's try and observe some ground rules about when we start talking about sexual subjects." You will not believe what that wanker responded with: he starts ranting about the South, about how we're still lynching people, etc. And he ended with the retort, "Please go back."

My response: "You are certainly giving me a reason to."

Good luck to that stupid fucker -- he's going to need it.

Open Letter

Open letter to submissive men (a few in particular are in my head as I write this):

If you are really and truly serious about serving a Woman, you need to confront your selfish behavior. This is the first step -- everything else that you're doing (jerking off to videos, wasting the time of honest Dommes like me, buying kit you never use, wasting the time of honest Dommes, cruising the websites of pro-Dommes or OWK picture sites, wasting the time of honest Dommes, etc.) are things you are doing only for yourself. While you might be fantasizing about the idea of being at my service, I am actually interested in you really being at my service. So, you need to ask yourself: do you want it to be only in your mind or do you really want to do the work to make it happen in reality? Because, I hate to break this to you, but it is work. It isn't easy, it isn't just like the fantasies you spend 99% of your life considering. There are times when I am going to be really displeased with you, and you have to deal with that. If you run away and avoid me, that makes things significantly worse -- you are the furthest away from true submissiveness when you avoid the reality of a pissed-off Domme. When you run away like that, you are being an asshole, not a submissive.

Unfortunately, your biology makes you a little slow to understand your own emotions and, in particular, the emotional responses of Women to you. Emotional logic is murky, it doesn't follow rational, consistent rules. But there are some general principles.

1. When in doubt, face the facts and apologize. Seriously, is an apology really all that bad? Being wrong isn't a sign of weakness -- it is just an inevitable fact of being alive. I lived in an Asian country for 2 years and you really can't function unless you learn the art of the apology. Even if I didn't think I actually did anything, I'd still apologize -- it smoothes the way for a conversation. I often found that if I apologized, I'd get an apology in return -- very rarely is an apology truly one-sided, since most conflict requires two parties.

You show that you are serious about serving a Woman when you can get down on your knees and apologize. You are reversing your life-long path of selfishness when you learn to apologize. You are truly serving her when you apologize. Get over yourself, and apologize.

2. If you say you're going to do something, do it, or explain why you can't. I can't tell you the number of times someone has told me he'll do something, and then, when the moment of truth comes, there is nothing but silence. The boy is MIA -- and I know exactly what he's doing. He's off being afraid, doubting himself, doubting that this is what he wants, freaking out over one thing or another. That's fine -- I can't argue with a moment of doubt. What I can argue with, however, is not communicating about it. All you have to say is, "I'm having trouble; I'm scared." And then, we can either talk about it, or I can let you deal with it on your own. But to say nothing, to simply avoid a Dominant Woman -- that's an insult. You disrespect Her when you cut Her out of the loop like that.

Consider the fact that you might actually feel better if you share it with Her openly. Your vulnerability and your lack of control is not a threat to me -- if anything, I find it attractive. I find it compelling and interesting if you can share that with me, and if you will trust me enough to work through it with me. You can't figure these things out on your own -- you need help. It might turn out that My experience and My wisdom might be the thing you need. What have you got to lose, really?

3. Realize the facts: there are more submissive men than there are Dominant Women. If you waste my time, I'm moving on. I will not linger on you. I have the luxury and the privilege of infinite choice. I do not have to put up with your bullshit. No matter what your mother told you, you are really not so unique and so special that I have to wait on you to get a clue. Even for vanilla women, this is pretty true -- we can get sex any time we want it, but our power is that we don't really need it. (Also, the power of batteries makes you a little inessential.) Mental health professionals will tell you that men suffer without a parter, Women cope and move on. So, this means you need to get your shit together, because your window of opportunity with a Dominant woman is short-lived. If you show Her during that time that you will only give her grief and selfish behavior, She's learned what She needs to know about you, and She's out the door. Take advantage of the moment you're given, and show Her that you deserve Her attention. Otherwise, expect to be forgotten quickly.

4. If you want a second chance, earn a second chance. I have noticed that there's a pattern with submissive boys -- they fuck up, and then they come back with some half-hearted attempt to see if I've changed my mind about them. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, or months, but nearly all of them seek me out at some point, and make some pathetic attempt to regain my attention. Sometimes, they send me a passive little IM or text message. Sometimes, a little one-line email that they think will soften me up. Please refer above to the line about how only your mother thinks you're that special. I don't ever grant a second chance unless I'm seeing that someone has made a concerted, real effort to show me that actual change has taken place: he has realized his mistake, taken steps to get his head in order, made a heartfelt and sincere attempt to show me this change and it seems possible that his bullshit might not happen again. I can tell you that this happens only about 1% of the time, despite the fact that I make it clear that I will grant earned second chances. So few boys actually earn them -- they labor under the mistaken delusion that they deserve them.

So there you go -- the four things I wish submissive men would truly understand and incorporate into their emotional sense of themselves. I'm sure I could come up with hundreds of others, but that's what stands out tonight. Honestly, I wasn't thrilled about writing this entry -- I would much rather just get down to the very fun business of using you for my own pleasure. This is all time I could have spent getting a foot massage or training a bath slave. The world would be a much better place if somebody reads this tonight and gets over himself, for once and for all.

Empty nest

Today was a fantastic day, in terms of my regular, ol' vanilla life. I got a lot of work done, I moved a couple of projects forward, I got a lot of satisfaction out of what I was doing. I had a meeting at the end of the day with two male colleagues who joked around with me about my tendency to be "bossy." (Both of them were quick to point out that my being "bossy" is one of the best things about me.) It feels really good to own that, and feel absolutely no need to apologize.

The only thing missing is the lack of a boy when I walk through the door. I need to be greeted by a boy on his knees, wearing an outfit I've asked him to wear, with a glass of bordeaux in his hand for me and a shy, hopeful smile on his face. I need a grateful mouth kissing my boots. I need a little househusband who makes my dinner. I've had this before and it was wonderful -- I'm looking forward to having it again. But that's a massive privilege to bestow that upon someone, and I will keep my solitude until I find someone worthy of that.

Tomorrow night is the Domme Women's group I'm attending, and I'm looking forward to seeing whether anyone interesting turns up. I'm learning that patience and poise is an essential right now -- people reveal to you who they are through their behavior, not their words, so you must have the patience to wait and see. That's the way for most things, but even more so when dealing with submissive men.